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05:34am 04/09/2008
  Oh my god.
I can't stop thinking about him.
My stomach was in knots, or butterflies, the ENTIRE night while he was sitting right next to me.
I feel like i could just explode.

The way he looks at me, or touches me, or groans a little in my ear, or the things he says to me just UGH.
I have fallen so ridiculously hard i'm surprised i dont have broken bones.		  
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04:57pm 26/08/2008
 
music: the decemberists
I haven't seen or spoken to nick in about a month.
Every once in awhile i'll think about him and wonder why it doesnt bother me.



'This is the story of your red right ankle
And how it came to meet your leg
And how the muscle, bone, and sinews tangled
And how the skin was softly shed

And how it whispered “Oh, adhere to me
For we are bound by symmetry
And whatever differences our lives have been
We together make a limb.”
This is the story of your red right ankle. 


This is the story of the boys who loved you
Who love you now and loved you then
And some were sweet, some were cold and snuffed you
And some just laid around in bed.

Some had crumbled you straight to your knees
Did it cruel, did it tenderly
Some had crawled their way into your heart
To rend your ventricles apart
This is the story of the boys who loved you.' 		  
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things i wrote today   
07:01pm 16/04/2008
  Just sitting, waiting, thinking, wishing, dreaming of my next fix. Be it nick, or my friends, or roxys, or xanax. Because my friends are my drugs and my drugs are my friends and it doesn't ever ever ever ever stop.
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Everything is going to pieces and i am picking them up and i am picking you up and i am picking me up and we are soaring and flying all of our pieces in their right place.
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Scribble scribble scribble. All i do is think and scream inside till i think i'm going to explode with all the things i want, NO! Things i need to say to you and to me and everything is going to be alright.
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So come on baby, lets pull back all the curtains and open every window in the house and twirl and jump and dance till our feet bleed and then we'll dance laying down and explode into little bits of nothing and everything on the floor. And we'll know that we'll never be happier than we are in that moment again.
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I used to be paint and now i'm all words amd somedays i wish i could be colorful and wet and textural and chokingly visual once again. But for now i am fluiod and on paper for you to see and then forget.
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I need to hear your voice, i need to hear your energy. Washing me with green waves until my yellow escapes and we all turn blue. 'You morphed into one!' You'll always be my one, my stopping point, my beginning and my end. Enemies and lovers and friends till the end, your face will never leave my head.
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Forgotten comfort, arms that fit, nights that i could swear happen but are never spoken of. Mixed body heats, mixed hearts, mixed fluids, where will you lead me this time? Don't fret, i'm not the forever kind. Floating and beautiful and loving and wonderful but always fleeting. You wont remember me. Always just on the back of your tongue, fighting to escape.		  
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01:11pm 07/02/2008
  I wish i could have a fight with you and just go straight back to having a good time wherever i'm at but no, you dwell inside me.

I'm tired of you telling me what to do, and i've told you so many times.

It sucks sometimes that i want to be with you.
Because i already know you're a controlling person.

And I'm just not ok with that.		  
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03:05pm 22/12/2007
  So, right after my last catty post, i made a nicer one saying that i felt like a fuck-up for fighting with nick on his birthday and a couple of other things.
But..my computer froze.


I dont even remember all that was said.



Goddamnit though.
I love Nick so damn much.
I go through my day thinking about him.
Not like, he's always on my mind, but i'll hear something that i want to tell him, i'll see something i want to buy him, etc.

It just hurts sometimes that i really dont know if he does that same.

Laura said last night that he does, that they saw this necklace or something earlier in the day and he was all 'I should get that for tiffany!'

But...I guess i dont know what to think without a little proof every once in awhile.



I fucked last night up BAD.
Everyone still had a good time, but i was morose and drinking.
I wanted some attention from nick, and every moment i didn't recieve any i just added it to my pile of misdeeds.

I wish last night hadn't been his birthday.
ANY other night and i could have just been moody,
but i had to go and fuck up something important.

God nick, you mean the world to me.
I hope you can let it go.		  
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03:58am 16/11/2007
  It's weird the way i think of things.
Like when i think about how i felt last week and it comes to:
'For a minute there i thought you could be my lex.'

I take someone elses reality and turn it into my maybe.

Now i still think seth and i are wonderfully compatible,
but he doesnt want a girlfriend right now.
And i'm tired of being single.


Nick wants to give it another shot.
Last week i was adamant about it not happening,
mostly because part of me doubts he can trust me or stay loving long enough for us to 'work out our problems'.

But...he's actually doing really well.
And i'm becoming very attached to this nick.
This is the nick i first dated, when i was 16.

and fuck, i missed that boy every day.
Now here he is, and i guess i can only hope he stays.




Then again, exes are exes for a reason.
FUCK.		  
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08:11pm 20/10/2007
  I'm tired.
Tired of being tired.
Tired of being bitchy for no reason.
Tired of nick.
Tired of snapping at people.
Tired of wonderingandwonderingandwondering WHAT HAPPENED?!

I want to know. But i'm scared to find out.


I love nick, truly i do.
But he needs to get a grip on reality.

YOU'RE NOT HELPING BY YELLING AND MAKING ME FEEL AS IF IT WERE ALL MY FAULT.
It wasn't.
It was his.
It was my dads.
Might as well just say it.




IT WAS MY FUCKING STUPID ASS MOLESTING PIECE OF SHIT FATHER'S FAULT.
NOT MINE.

So FUCKYOU for even insinuating that i could have just dealt with it and moved on.
I thought i HAD moved on, dont you understand?

I didnt know it was going to come back and cut me to pieces over 10 years later.


I'm sorry i lash out at you, and all the people i love.
You know i dont mean to.
Or atleast you ought to.

...I thought you knew i would never hurt you willingly.
Not anymore.
Never again.


You're all i've got. My only constant.
And yet you're the one who hurts me the most.
Besides him.

But he stopped hurting me a long time ago.
And you havent.

I need you to stop.
I cant live like this.






I wish we had more good days than bad days.
I wish i made you happy.
I wish i was happy.		  
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09:43pm 25/08/2007
  God, it killed me to see you lying in that hospital bed, skinnier than you've ever been, unable to even walk down the hallway.

I love you, dont do this. Get better.		  
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01:59pm 13/08/2007
  Life is so different these days.
Old crushes, new crushes.
Not wanting to be with any of them.

Why do people try so hard?
I'd be happy if you didn't call or text me for a couple of days.
Just to know you could.

I dont need anyone.
And thats pretty damn nice.
How did i ever live otherwise?

Maybe this time i'll do the smart thing and NOT need the person i date.
I'm almost positive that it would be the perfect relationship.
Two people who are together when they want to be,
but who don't need to see each other to be content.

I won't know till i try.

The only person i want to date, i cant. Or won't.
I'm pretty sure it would turn out badly.


I'm sleeping at kev's for the next couple of days.
I've liked him for like 2 years, and here i am-
finally old enough for him to take notice,
and i won't let myself do anything.

Why am i so stubborn? But if i wasnt, it wouldn't be me.



Do you miss me?
I think about you more than i mean to.
Do my best not to think too hard about you having sex with her.
I've become damn good at guarding my thoughts.
I like her.
Dont get her pregnant, dont move in with her.

Even saying it i'm not freaked out.

Maybe i really dont care anymore.
About anything. I cant tell.

I dont want to find out, because if i do care...
then all this will kill.



Where the hell am i going?
Whats going to happen next?

Marshalling my thoughts.
Getting ready for this semester of college.
Wanting to be in love; but not with any of you.
Someone new.

Not wanting to be in love at all.





I hope you wake up and remember how amazing we were when you were my best friend, and i was yours. Come back around when you do.
Maybe i'll welcome you home.		  
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01:50am 12/07/2007
 

You know i almost moved to michigan for a year the summer before i met you?
Things would be so different.

How would i feel if i'd never met you?
Probably no different.
I wouldnt have anything to miss, because i wouldnt know you.
You may not have gotten sent to california.

God. I wonder who i would be.

Who WE would be.

  
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03:03pm 04/07/2007
  I'm not this awful person you keep making me out to be, and i wish you would quit trying to convinse the both of us.  
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01:55pm 25/06/2007
 

You could never kill me properly. Never just say I hate you and I hate you forever go away. There was always some give. In case there was a rainy day and no love to smile upon you. Then there'd be me and naturally I'd forgive you and hold you just so close. Maybe my own murder is what I'm working at. We were always good as long as we spoke about nothing that meant anything at all.

  
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03:25am 18/06/2007
  I'm so tired.
I miss you being in love with me.
And me being in love with you.		  
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12:52pm 02/05/2007
  'Feels different, doesn't it?'
'...feels like you've never touched me before.'		  
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08:15pm 13/01/2007
  I just had really good sex with my really amazing boyfriend.
Life is good, most days.		  
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11:49pm 05/01/2007
  It kind of sucks that i can't go to random parties or just leave my house when invited out anymore.

I dont believe this is how relationships are supposed to be.		  
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10:18pm 27/11/2006
  No one was ever more important than you. I never managed to fall for anyone as hard as with you.

I wish i could make you understand, i had my crushes, i had my fun, but its you i see myself coming home to. Learn to trust me.		  
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10:09pm 27/11/2006
  Pip died.
I got a tattoo.
Nick and i are together again.
Nikki is pregnant with a boy.
I'm assistant manager at gamestop.
I ended up with marley<3.
I'm in college.

What you may have missed.		  
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02:01pm 05/07/2006
  I think ive only just realized how long ive been waiting for this.
Probably ever since it went away the first time,
but then i had jon to fall back on and it didnt hurt so much.

And now i'm in love all over again.
I honestly dont think i have been since that first time with nick,
Jonny was the closest to, and even that wasnt the heart and gut wrenching feeling ive grown accustomed to.



Its like all the times i thought i was falling for people werent real,
i guess they really were just crushes.

God, i miss him.

'Come back from california...'		  
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12:34am 07/06/2006
  Dont ever ever die.  
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  ironic_pillow
 
 
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